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I’m Trying

When I stop and remember, meditate, pray or whatever you want to call it, I am always amazed at the friends I’ve accumulated in spite of myself. I call them God’s Elves: These people who find their way — uninvited and unexpected — into my life and stick to me like bubblegum. Waltzing into my world and making themselves right at home; then continuing to stick around despite my slightly brittle demeanor, belligerent impatience, and intermittent self-absorption.

Maybe they love me for really trying instead of pretending to try. They might just see past the sassy, smart-assed woman to the little girl fumbling around behind the curtain. A better bet is that they know I’m just not as bad as I wish I were or would like them to think I am.

The miracle of it all is that they always seem to show up in the right place and just in the nick of time. Talk about being saved by the bell! And not once, but over and over again. Eventually, no matter how hard-headed a girl is, she will start paying attention. I did and I do.

It takes a lot of self-policing not to be small-minded or mean-spirited. I suspect that none of us can get it right every single time. Rationalization, righteous indignation and self-justification are such handy defense mechanisms that I probably don’t even notice when I’ve picked them up.

But I think of God’s Elves and keep on trying.


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