Thanks for your erudite observations, PQS.

But our entire culture seems to force the concepts of BDSM into a particular mold that , I think, we tend to also internalize. Imagine: Black leather corset and thigh-high riding boots. Can you pair that image up with anything but a dominatrix?

Very funny analogy with the BDSM culture & the Freemasons. I’ll have to mention it at my next lodge meeting.

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

But often it’s all so childish. Funny thing, isn’t it. Adults wanting to act like kids? Sneaking around in dark “dungeons” wearing vinyl or PVC and ritualistically spanking or beating one another — but not too hard and not if any secret “safe” word is uttered. It’s reminiscent of the funny handshakes and passwords that groups like the Masons and the Elks give one another. Why do we behave so when it comes to things sexual? Go figure.

You think that you were blown away? I just saw that you used my joke on Zen Humor

It’s nice to see that you’ve got regular visitors who have interesting and intelligent conversations. This comment from PQS made me pause:
For some reason it all has to involve something “verboten” or “naughty”.

I’m not sure that this is a totally bad thing. Part of the turn-on for many people, and not just porn consumers, is the idea that a particular act or situation is culturally taboo. If you ask any hundred people if they think of themselves as average or a bit out of the ordinary, you’ll see that most of them will claim to be “not” average. We all would like to think of ourselves as being slightly rebelious, and for some of us, that is the appeal to actions that are sometimes defined as kinky.

In fact, if you freqent any BDSM related web groups, you’ll find that a small percentage declare that part of the appeal of BDSM for them is the “extreme” or “taboo” aura. I’ve even read some people who claim that if BDSM ever acheives mainstream popularity, then they’ll have to find something else.

Anyway, thank you for the recognition. And thanks to Richard for pointing you out a while back.

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

Happy Thanksgiving, dearest one…xoxo

Another thing about most porn that I dislike is its sub rosa aspect. For some reason it all has to involve something “verboten” or “naughty”. The world of porn is always peopled with gorgeous women secretly diddling themselves with dildos, off-limits underaged cheerleaders having sex with their teacher, transsexual wrestlers pulling down one another’s trunks and expressing “shock” and “surprise”, women doing ritualistic “spankings” of 60-year old “naughty boys”, blah, blah blah. It’s all so juvenile. Because our society thinks variation in the ways we can have sexual intercourse is such a “bad” thing, when we depict it, it always has to have an aspect akin to kids sticking their hands into a cookie jar. I get very tired of this.

Also, in porn, there’s seldom any seduction or frisson, none of the participants in porn ever seem to have real personalities. They never seem to want to laugh, to play, or to have any “fun”. There’s never any banter or wit, not real attempt at dialogue, no opportunity for a viewer to care about the dramatis personae.

I also dislike the fact that porn, strictly speaking is totally voyeuristic. When I read or see it, I’m always forced into the role of being a third-party viewing others engaged in some kind of activity. It’s always about watching other people do it. My role, I suppose, is to just shut up, pull out my pud, and masturbate. That, at bottom, is totally solitary, completely unimaginative, and emotionally empty. I may get off, but I don’t depart from the experience with any epiphanies.

Maybe the allure of phone sex and prostitution is that at least these outlets are interactive. At least in theory they are individualized. But the naggingly bad part about even these avenues is that, at bottom, what is involved is just a financial transaction. There isn’t much caring about one another, not much real tenderness. You just plunk out the coin, buy a fantasy for a few minutes from a real voice or a real body, ejaculate, and then move on. Some people may be happy with that. It’s perhaps better than no intimacy at all or repetitive “Ground-Hog-Day” experiences with a cold spouse. But it isn’t particularly satisfying. Really good sex is a lot more personal than that.

I’m meandering, I suppose. But what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that sex can, and really should be, so much more than it is in an American society where dysfunctional relationships seems to be the norm and not the exception.

Maybe that’s why I get grouchy when I read about unhappy “vanilla” relationships. Or, worse, about totally asexual relationships (a married guy in my office who hasn’t had sex with a woman in 13 years comes to my mind here).  It irritates me to think how something so natural, intimate and pleasurable can go so wrong.

Lest I sound like some hypocritical conservative, the above commentary about personal kink or vanilla or rocky road are all on the money in the confines of personal relationships. And the right to access the legal porn of your choice should be defended vigorously.

In the midst of a pretty sad and sordid landscape stands the wonderful, sensitive, humane yet very sexy Angela who is an artist and creative genius.