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Angela St. Lawrence is the reigning queen of high-end, long distance training and Femme Domme phone sex, providing esoteric depravity for the aficionado, specializing in Erotic Fetish, Female Domination, Cock Control, Kinky Taboo and Sensual Debauchery. To make an appointment or speak with Ms. St. Lawrence  ...


Bitch Slapped by Santa


Dear Santa,
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?


Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay, I’ll set you up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know!


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.


Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Dear Timmy,
That whining begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

First, stop calling yourself “Marky.” That’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogie man does: through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams.


(Forwarded by my sister from an inter-office email. Which is why all the elf’s work is being outsourced.)

xo, Angela


11 Responses to “Bitch Slapped by Santa”

  1. david Says:

    The exchange between Thomas and Santa had me in stitches. You always keep us entertained.

  2. booklover35 Says:

    I just knew Santa was real. Thanks for letting us see another side of him! (Angela, your sister is a hoot!)

  3. Angela Says:

    Gee…nobody else like this?

  4. puzzler565 Says:

    I loved it, Angie. I was trying to write another letter to add and I found just how hard it is to get the right mix of “authentic-sounding” letter and bitchy but amusing response. Thanks for sharing these successful and very funny efforts.

  5. Tom Allen Says:


    It almost has that Dogbert DNRC newletter feel to it. But naughtier.

    Tom Allen
    The Edge of Vanilla

  6. Angela Says:

    Bah! Humbug!

  7. hdb Says:

    Dear Ms.St.Lawrence,

    As always you bring a smile to my face.

    I see, your sister also has a gift for making the smiles appear.

    It must be in the jeans… I wish I was in your jeans.

    Thank you for being you and sharing so much,

  8. Mistress V Says:

    hugs I miss ya hope you are well……..Merry Xmas

  9. Mistress Sky Says:

    ROTFLMAO….You are such a joy to read!! I’ve got to mention this on my blog – it’s absolutely irresistible, like you 😉

  10. science nerd Says:

    You really sleigh me, Angela.

  11. Mistress Sky » ‘Tis the season and all that… Says:

    […] Well it appears that Angela’s sister has the same wicked sense of humour that we share and you can find the Bad Santa replies to kiddies’ letters here, in “Bitch slapped by Santa” […]

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