For when they placed it on his head….

Dick the halls with boughs of holly…

Santa Baby! Oh,baby. Oh, baby.

(Since I’m shopping and wrapping and mailing and arguing with inept customer service reps I’m kinda-sorta preoccupied. But here’s something I hope will give you a little something to smile at/about.

You can purchase these adorable stocking-stuffers at Condom Country.

xo, Angela

Angelaphabet 2.2   ~   Christmas Edition  2006

Are You on the Naughty List?
But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
Christmas Trees
Dreaming of a White Christmas
Euphorbia pulcherrima
Follow Santa and the Reindeer this Christmas Eve
Grinch Words
He Didn’t Shoot His Eye Out!
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
Just Who In the Hell Killed Santa Claus?
Kinky Kris Kringle and Naughty Elves
Lyndee’s Holiday Phone Sex Special
Make Santa Your Bitch Boy!
Naughty and Nice Holiday Shopping
One Hundred Trouble-Making Santas
Pimp Daddy Ho Ho
Quick! A Holiday Give-Away from Deviant Savant
Rock & Roll Xmas Display
Submissive Savant’s Holiday Story…NOT!
Twelve Days of Christmas – Politically Correct
Unmuseum on Kris Kringle
Virtual Snowman – Why Get Cold?
White Trash Christmas
Xtra special Christmas Card
Yule so Cool
Ziffy Smickleifigus – What’s Your Elf Name?

xo, Angela

 

As I noted earlier:

Specializing in Fetish/Kink/FemDom — Fantasy Phone Sex, I have to admit that Mr. Vanilla is not my typical client.

Despite the above statement, Mr. Vanilla has now joined that ever-evolving elite group here at Zen Fetish, my highly-coveted Savant Collection. Think of him as a unicorn among thoroughbreds, The Thing amidst the Fantastic Four, or even a highly-evolved republican among democrats. Because he is all of this and much more. Grouse if you will — Mr. Vanilla is highly regarded by this webmistress and is here to stay.

So…I finally got around to sitting down with Mr. V for the promised interview. And guess what? He was quite the slippery one. Just see for yourself:

Angela: Well, Mr. Vanilla, people seem interested in meeting you.

Vanilla Savant: Really? I’m not quite sure why. But I’m happy to work with you on an interview.

Since I kinda-sorta sprung it on you, I’m certainly glad you’re gracious enough to go along with this. Let’s start with the basics. How old are you?

Middle-aged.

(pssst: See how non-specific he is? Politely so, of course.)

Mmmm. I do like my men seasoned just so. Older men are so much better to train. Er, I meant, to play with.

Of course that’s what you meant, my love.

(pssst: See how gracious he is? Always the gentleman.)

What are your politics?

Middle-of-the-road.

Dearest Mr. Savant, we’ve had many political — shall we call them — volleys? A discussion of your politics requires more than four words, dontcha think? At least give me a sentence.

Okay. I will admit to being registered Republican, but with (at times) strong Democratic or at least Liberal leanings.

Are you wealthy?

Middle-class.

What a crock! If you are middle class, then I am Food Stamp Fannie hanging out at the soup kitchen. Try again.

Maybe some would consider me wealthy. But there are certainly many others with much more than me.

Not that many others. I’ll let it slide for now. But just you wait ’til I get you on the phone again. I am going to make you do something very naughty!

You tease me so deliciously, Miss St. Lawrence. I can hardly wait. Perhaps we should stop this interview now and have a little phone dalliance?

Not so fast, Buster. Inquiring minds are hanging on our every word! We have a responsibility to the Zen audience.

Of course. What was I thinking? Fire away.

Ok, Mr. Smarty Pants. What is your favorite sexual position?

There’s more than one?

I think you’re teasing me and the Zen readers.

Maybe a bit. But then, you were teasing me. What would you like to know?

Tell us the basics about yourself.

Married. Grown kids. A lawyer. I retired a few years ago and have been having fun exploring new careers in teaching and professional research.

And what, pray tell, brought you to me?

I was just web-cruising one night and found your website, Literate Smut. It was so different than other “phone sex” sites I’d seen: Sophisticated, creative. I was intrigued. Who was the woman behind all of this? So I listened to one of your audio recordings. Very sexy! I left you a five star review, to which you sent a very nice Thank You with an invitation to talk. As I recall, I was a bit nervous.

And then what did you do?

Before making an actual direct call, I decided to listen to another of your recordings. As both of us know and will never forget, I reviewed it with four stars which I thought was pretty good.

Did I agree with you? Did I think four stars was pretty good?

You certainly didn’t and had no problem telling me so. You came at me with a furious email. I was really surprised. My first experience of submissiveness in your presence, I guess.

Did I scare you?

Actually, you did. At least a little bit. But I did email you back with my reasoning.

I remember. You were very polite about the whole thing. And then we started talking. On the Phone, Finally!

Yes. And I got to know what a wonderful conversationalist and companion you are. So for a few years now, we’ve been chatting.

Chatting about …?

Your life. My life. Movies. Politics. What do friends talk about? Or, in the case of politics, what do friends argue about? Literature. Your poetry, which I think is incredible.

(pssst: He thinks my poetry is incredible!)

No phone sex?

Of course there is phone sex. Delicious phone sex. And you really have expanded my horizons quite a bit, which has been exciting and, well, a lot of fun, too. What impresses me is your ability to listen, to build a fantasy around where I am, but to take it just a bit further than I might have suggested, so that I feel totally safe but thrilled by being in new territory. That’s a gift to me every time.

Beloved Savant, your ability to go with me wherever I take you has been your gift to both of us. I have loved and continue to love ever minute of it. But what about other PSOs? Have you ever called any other PSOs?

There are only two occasions when this has happened. The first time was when we were still getting to know each other. You urged me to try others. I think your exact words were, “If you can’t cheat with phonesex, that’s pretty sad.” So I did. But I ran back to you quickly. The experience was horrid. I told you then that it was the best PR you could have given yourself.

I remember that. You were pretty funny. But, in defense of other PSOs, you really didn’t try that hard. What is the second occasion?

When you’ve asked me to help out a friend of yours. Which is typical of your generosity, Angie. You really look out for your peers. It is amazing. Other than that, I really haven’t. I’ve been so satisfied with our calls that there hasn’t been any reason to try to meet someone else.

You show up (under your online name) at this blog quite often. Why do you spend time here?

In a way, it lets me continue the conversation when you and I aren’t on the phone together. Plus Zen Fetish is turning out to be pretty interesting reading; I love the variety of things that you post, and I’m beginning to appreciate your other fans. They always have something intelligent and interesting to say. I’m sometimes a bit jealous of their special relationships with you, of course, but I also have come to respect them. They all show great taste in women, for example!

(pssst: See how charming he is?)

Have you any suggestions for other “fans?”

I think your clients end up being a self-selecting bunch. Someone really crass or rude probably won’t appreciate your subtlety or intelligence and will move on. So your regulars don’t need any advice from me. Except, maybe, not to leave a four-star review!

Any requests of me?

Do I have to be “Mr. Vanilla” forever?

Ah, Mr. V, you’re such a cute savant. Just stay the way that you are. I promise to take you out to play (on the wrong side of the tracks — where the wild things are) lots and lots. Besides, you’re so cute when you squirm.

If you say so. I will trust you. You’ve never let me down yet.

Ok, before we end this, you know I am linking to a charity with each entry throughout the holidays. I want you and our readers to know that today’s charity is First Book. Do you want to tell the readers why?

Wow! Well, I guess it’s because I donated to this charity in memory of your brother, because you and I both so deeply believe in the importance of books and reading and writing.

Yes. It is a lovely charity. Thank you.

And now, my Vanilla Savant, let’s see if our readers have any questions for you, shall we?

Oh no!

Oh, yes!

***

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my God!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, “I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly ; “Same illness, better health plan.”

***

The joke is from my sister, who always surprises me with her naughtiness.

In case you’re wondering, contrary to my original hopes, I still am not well. Basically, I’m taking it one thing at a time and resting as needed. Right now, Christmas plans are totally askew, and I am not happy about it. In fact, I’m rather pissed.   Any pain sluts about who’d like to take advantage of my wicked mood?

Still taking calls by arrangement, only if I am up to it.

For more info or to inquire about setting up a call,  you can always write me at: zenfetish@angelastlawrence.com.

Now I am going back to bed.   Oh, and while I am gone?

• My Favorite Bookstore
• Huffington Rocks!
• Best Christmas Cards on the Net

xo, Angela

Introduction to Poetry ~ Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem’s room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to water ski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author’s name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

***

So many people struggle and wrestle with poetry:  What is it?  How is it?  Why is it?  How do I read it, understand it?

I’ve always said poetry is music without music.

That simple and that complex — which is the beauty of it.  You don’t have to understand it.

You don’t have to get every symbolic gesture.  Just feel it.  Just like you do your favorite songs, the music with the music.   It’s just like that.

Only different.  Know what I mean?

xo, Angela