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Angela St. Lawrence is the reigning queen of high-end, long distance training and Femme Domme phone sex, providing esoteric depravity for the aficionado, specializing in Erotic Fetish, Female Domination, Cock Control, Kinky Taboo and Sensual Debauchery. To make an appointment or speak with Ms. St. Lawrence  ...

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I Tried to Resist

But these are just too damn fine:

  1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
  2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
  3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
  4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
  5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so badly crafted that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
  6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
  7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
  8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
  9. There were once three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
  10. A skeptical anthropologist was was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

Perhaps you got a chuckle?  I hope so.

I worked the kink-O-phone very hard these last two days. So pardon me while I go slip into something more comfortable. Nighty night.

xo, Angela

14 Responses to “I Tried to Resist”

  1. yelomonkey Says:

    Sleep Tight!

  2. Isabel Says:

    You are one crazy gal Angela. 🙂

  3. goodguygonebad Says:

    I’ll go to bed grinning – but then, I always do if you are involved. Thanks for the smiles – or groans, actually.

  4. science nerd Says:

    Now those were funny. Reminds me of Bryan who came all the way from Australia to visit a friend in W. Virginia. They went out for drinks, but didn’t realize they were in a gay bar. Tired, yet amused by the scene, they decided to stay, drink and enjoy the entertainment. Later, Bryan, sprawled out drunk at the table, didn’t realize his boots were blocking the way to the bar, so on his ass falls a very pissed off patron. Bryan awoke and said that memorable line “I came a long way to trip a fairy……” OK, that was pretty bad and I confess to making it up….Thanks for yours, Angela.

  5. Angela Says:

    ah, science nerd….you tried!

  6. Tom Allen Says:

    *bangs head on the desk*
    Ouch. That hurt… but not as much as those jokes.

    After Mary Poppins became older, she gave up being a nanny and retired to the West Coast of the United States. After a while, she became bored and decided to open up a small detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic ability and strong nose. She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign proudly. It read:

    “Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.”

  7. litmajor Says:

    During the Cold War, several Communists planned a bold spying mission into the west. But one of their number, Rudolf, argued against a night flight because he sensed there was bad weather coming. “Why should we believe him?” asked a lady in the group. Another replied, “Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

  8. Angela Says:

    You guys are having so much fun with these. giggle giggle. Anybody else with something to add? Bring it on.

  9. Mr. Smith Says:

    A newspaper was running a Pun contest with the best pun winning a thousand dollar grand prize. George, needing quick money in the worst way, sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the ten would win.

    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  10. AvonBard Says:

    Noah was bringing all the creaures onto the Ark, two-by-two, exactly as God had instructed. But Mrs. Noah came up to him and said “Animals and even snakes are ok, but you know how I hate bugs. Don’t you dare.” So Noah thought to himself,”Two bees or not two bees? That is the question.”

  11. Quietly Carl Says:

    There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it’s flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

    One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon’s treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

    Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff’s clam.

    The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what’s really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row…

  12. Luscious Lyndee Says:

    Thanks for some great laughs, chica! I really needed these today… Hope all is well your way! Enjoyed our chat the other day, only sorry I had to cut it short! Will catch up soon!!!

    Luv ya!!!
    Lyndee

  13. Tom Allen Says:

    John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

    The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    John’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on one particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.

    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to
    Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result…

    The judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize” but they also awarded him the “Pullet Surprise” as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
    politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

  14. Angela Says:

    Okay you guys! Enuff already. I’m hurting over here.

    Thanks to all of you for your fun spirit.

    Carl…would you happen to be a certain Carl I know very well?

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