My sweet sister, Bethany, as I’ve oft mentioned, forwards me zillions of emails she receives inter/intra office.  Because, I guess, that’s what all the people with vanilla jobs do with their time on the company clock.

(Except the sneaky guys holing up behind their office door or inside a bathroom stall to call me for a bout of dirty, nasty PhoneSex.  You know who you are.  No sense blushing!  Or stuttering.  Or hiding behind that Wall Street Journal.  I’ve got your number.  Oh, I forgot.  I don’t have your number.  You have have my number.  *wink* ) 

Anyway, I thought this was awesome-cute and am passing it along:

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is .. . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . .. having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. . not piddling in your pants.

________________________

Hope you enjoyed.  And I am available for Phone Sex Calls this evening.  But don’t expect me to be as cute and nice as the above.  I’m thinking more along the lines of some serious fetish or kink.  Maybe a Cuckold Call or two?  Or some serious BDSM?  At least a bit of Cross-Dressing or Forced Bi?

The Elephant in the Closet: 

Of Mixed Metaphors, Phone Sex Snafus & FemDom Interludes

or

Is That Your Fat Uncle in Your Panties Behind the Hangers?

Sometimes things change.  That’s the way it goes, and — I don’t know about you, but — I’m not very good at change.  When my favorite seafood restaurant lost its lease and moved to another location, I could hardly stand it and even stopped frequenting that same restaurant until I got to jonesing for their most awesome crab legs and one-of-a-kind steak salads.  Ah, the bend and the sway of real life with  all it’s complex detours.

As you may or may not know, I take my Phone Sex calls through the NiteFlirt platform.  When I decided to get back into the Business of Talking Dirty, I considered a variety of options.  Working for a Phone Sex Company was one possibility.  And I did give it a shot.  Briefly.  Very briefly.  Let’s just say that things weren’t quite what they seemed and I left rather abruptly, sacrificing the $1,000 plus they owed me.  I knew I’d never get the cash, but at that point I felt I had to put my callers’ well-being before my personal monetary considerations.  It was the right move.  I learned a lot and I’ve never regretted it.

I also made a very good friend while working for that company who urged me to go back to my original plan of starting my own one-woman service.   She was right.  From the beginning, my main concern was that — which ever way I did business — my callers had a superior and safe experience.  It’s the Internet, after all; trust and security are big deals.  I wanted to take care of my callers in the way I would want to be taken care of as a “customer.”

I seriously thought about going with my own merchant account, which would have given me oodles of control over the “customer experience,”  except I absolutely detest talking money with PhoneSex Callers.  Kinda-sorta ruins the mood, dontcha think?  I looked at Pay Per Call services (too impersonal and a bit cumbersome for my taste).  I checked out more than a few Phone Sex Platforms and Phone Sex Billing Services — they all had their positives and negatives.  In a word, I was doing my homework.   And don’t get me wrong — there are a lot of legit, very good options out there.  I just was looking for, I dunno, something with that certain je ne sais quoi.

And I found that certain something which I could not define with NiteFlirt.   For those of you who are not familiar with the site, let me break it down.  A very good way to look at NiteFlirt is to see it as a “PHONE SEX MALL,” where Independent Phone Sex Operators lease space from which to run their Phone Sex Business.  This is good for the Phone Sex Shopper, because he can peruse and compare at his own pace and discretion.  A handy menu (Anything Goes, Phone with Cam, BDSM, Role Play, Fetish, etc.) makes it easy to find exactly what you are looking for.

There’s some other pretty awesome benefits:

• You are anonymous!  You can create a “member name” and be completely confident that NiteFlirt will keep your personal info safe and secure.
• There’s a Satisfaction Guarantee which is practically unheard of in the Phone Sex Industry.
• New callers receive Three Free Minutes for their first call through the system.
• NiteFlirt enforces a rigid Anti-Spam Policy — Can I hear an AMEN!
• You have several payment options including ATM Cards, Debit Cards or Check Cards

Additionally, the NIteFlirt system is very flexible — responsive to individual preferences.  Callers are not required to commit to a minimum call time or to purchasing bulk minutes which must be used right then and there.  Instead, you “pay as you go.”  You might opt to keep the call brief (with deposited monies rolling over for later calls) or might want to even add as you go and continue the call.

You can call every day or once a year.  You can call one girl exclusively or just slut yourself out all over the site.  You can even create different accounts if you want to keep your “submissive self” separate from you “dominant self.”  It’s totally about  you and what you prefer. Not a bad deal, eh?

So now you know why I do business with YOU through the NiteFlirt platform.  Aren’t you a lucky boy?  (Let me hear it:  Yes, Mistress, I am a lucky boy.  I am a very lucky boy.)

But recently NiteFlirt has undergone some changes and — up until now — I’ve chosen NOT to address those changes here at this blog.  I really didn’t want to.  I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to — that everything would be all hunky-dory by now.  But it isn’t.  It isn’t … but it IS getting there.  The NiteFlirt platform is basically undergoing a total overhaul and it’s taking more time than expected.  And it can be trying.

So we need to talk about it.  I need to talk to YOU about it.

First, let me assure you that all the perks and goodies I listed above are still strong and still in place.  A quality “Customer Experience” is still the numero uno focus of NiteFlirt.  And, as you know, it is always and forever my goal.  But, quite frankly, we (callers and PSOs alike) are experiencing a few technical difficulties.

Beginning from almost-scratch to re-build what is a very sophisticated system is proving taxing for the techs; they’ve run into a multitude of glitches and issues they didn’t foresee.  But they are working day and night to get it right.   Behind the scenes, NiteFlirt is in continuous dialogue with Flirts, noses to the grindstone, indefatigable in their quest to identify, isolate and repair mechanical irregularities.  Pretty impressive, actually.

Like I said:  ALL THE GOOD STUFF IS WORKING JUST FINE

Which means that, as a customer, most of the technical stuff shouldn’t affect you too much.  It might be irksome — for example, if the connection is suddenly lost — but certainly not earth-shattering.  And anything you might run into is easily-remedied by either calling right back (in most cases that will do it) or filling out a Customer Support Form which you can find by clicking the “help” tab at the top of your account page.  The two callers of mine who actually filled out the Support Form were very impressed and pleased with how their situation was handled.

International Access is currently unavailable, and it might be a while until this issue is resolved.  But don’t let that stop you.  Download VoIP software, like Skype (an eBay company) in the meantime.  Last night, an Australian caller using Skype (Hi, Mr. G!) was able to forward the call from Skype to his regular phone and we had an absolutely smashing time.  And a kinky one, for that matter.  And don’t you even dare ask, because that’s between me and Mr. G.!

A few other tips:

• If you call a girl you really like, save her to your favorites so you can quickly find her the next time.
• Send thank you Emails so SHE can keep track of YOU.
• Write down the extension/s of your favorite PSO/s.  Just in case.
• If you can, place your call from the website.  Calling over the phone is still a little glitchy and you might not be able to find a fav gal.
• If you need an issue addressed STAT, call the number on your credit card statement and leave a message.  Someone will be in touch!

Lastly, don’t you forget for a moment that NiteFlirt is THE premium Phone Sex Site on the web.  They’ve got your back!  They always have and always will go the extra mile for customers.  So keep the faith and stick with us through this little bit of turbulence.  It’s really all about the future.  It’s about making NiteFlirt an even better place for you to visit and the customer experience uber superior.  I have the inside scoop, my lovelies, and there are many fabulous features to be added down the road.

Just you wait and see.  And be prepared to be amazed.

xo, Angela

(And if you’re a sniveling little runt of a slave boy, count your blessings, get on your fucking knees and crawl to the phone.  NOW.)

How to Make Love to a Balloon.

by Claudia Carlson

_________________

Well.  Not really a "fetish" poem per se.  It’s more of a lyrical seduction.  If someone would attend me with such concentrated ardor I might like being a balloon.  Maybe someday when I grow up I’ll be able to write as beautifully as Ms. Carlson.  She has a fascinating blog, Elephant House, where she reveals she is working on a novel.  Which — once it’s published — I will quickly put on my Book Wish List and one of my fine gentleman readers will buy for me.  Right, HDB?

Special thanks to Pervert Savant for tucking this extra-special poem into my email box.  It made my day.

xo, Angela