Well, it did make me giggle.  Thanks, sis.

Nun-Sense

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you."

She said, "You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what’s the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!"

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The pr iest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

Where’s God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble — so much so that whenever mischief occurs in their town, they are usually the first to blame.  

The boys’ mother finally approached the parish priest, asking if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the priest in the afternoon.

The priest, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O’Malley?"

It is!

"This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?"

I can!

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

I do!

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

He is!

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

He will.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man:  I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,  where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest:  Are you sorry for your sins?

Man:  What sins?

Priest:  What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man:  I’m Jewish.

Priest:  Why are you telling me all this?

Man:  I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling everybody!

…  for this Doctor.

An Interview with Doctor X

Q:  I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A:  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:  No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A:  Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A:  Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy? HELLO!  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Q:  What about all those nutritional studies?

A.  Well their intentions are good, it just that just most scientists and health care professionals wrongly interpret the data.  Here’s the facts:

• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

So eat and drink what you like. It’s clearly speaking English that kills you.