Christmas Quickies

Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you 

Q:  Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A:  Because he had low elf esteem.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
  You know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

Why Christmas Trees are Better than Men

• A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
• It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
• A Christmas tree is always erect.
• Even small ones give satisfaction.
• You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
• A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
• You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
• A Christmas tree always looks good – even when it’s lit.
• It’s always there to light up your life.
• A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
• If it needles you, you can toss it out.
• It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
• A Christmas tree has cute balls.
• You only have to feed/water it once a week.
• It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

The Christmas Panties

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy". 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a gold bell from his key chain, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

The third man answered "They’re Carol’s."

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it …

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

Top Ten Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree*

10. It’s two feet tall and 40 feet wide.

9.  Salesman’s opening line: "You’re not a cop, are you?"

8.  It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck to it.

7.  While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6.  Each branch has a "Duraflame" sign printed on it.

5.  Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top 10 list.

4.  It’s very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.

3.  Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur put a cheap Statue of Liberty trinket on top of it.

1. It’s constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

*David Letterman