 | Cath-O-LicksMonday, August 18th, 2008 |
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Nun-Sense
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you."
She said, "You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what’s the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!"
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The pr iest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
Where’s God?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble — so much so that whenever mischief occurs in their town, they are usually the first to blame.
The boys’ mother finally approached the parish priest, asking if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the priest in the afternoon.
The priest, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O’Malley?"
It is!
"This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?"
I can!
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
I do!
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
He is!
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
He will.
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I’m Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling everybody!
