Phone Sex Email:  A SLIPPERY BAG OF TRICKS

Well once — when I refused to do Racial Humiliation — I actually got this one:  Get off your fucking high hourse [sic], you fucking cunt.  Sigh.  And you wonder why sometimes I just want to turn off the phones, curl up under a blanket and watch a good old-fashioned movie on Turner Classic Movies.  (BTW … you can download some pretty damn cool FREE  backgrounds and screen savers — including It’s a Bikini World, Great Expectations, and Have Rocket, Will Travel from TCM right HERE.) 

Oops!  There I go digressing again.

I get a lot of jokes.

Mr. D. — who happens to be rather unhappily married sent me this:

THE F. B. I. WAS IN THE PROCESS OF INTERVIEWING APPLICANTS SEEKING TO BE AGENTS.

MORAL:  Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them.

Sometimes, after a call, I will get the sweetest Thank You EMail:

Thank you so much for our encounter today. It was a pleasure in every way imaginable. It’s been a long time since an erotic and kinky encounter felt so right. I do believe I could’ve chatted with you for hours (kinky or not).

Or a humorous follow-up:

My mother would be proud…well…..  Love, Mr. M.

Maybe something to both tickle and impress:

May I compare thee to a summer rose?  I know you make me thorny.

Or an invitation:

I’m going to be in your neck of the woods August 18 and 19.  Would you consider getting together?  Just for a cup of coffee, of course.

And of course I get zillions of Fantasy Requests and they do run the gamut:

***Will you be my Twisted Psychiatrist and turn me into your Nasty Bimbo Slut?  (this included pictures of his feminized self)  YES I WILL!

***Mmmm … I want to be your slutty whore.  Will you strap-on train me?  YES I WILL!

***If I send you pictures of me doing dirty things (dildos, eating my own cum, etc.), will you blackmail me?  I will send you my girlfriend’s phone number and email address.  NO I WONT!

***Will you turn me into your jack off boy?  Make me wait, make me beg.  Train my cock to serve you.  Will you watch me on cam?  YES I WILL

***Dear Mistress Angela:  I have a fantasy about being totally addicted to a woman who enjoys controlling me and using me.  It is very important that she enjoy her power and can make me do anything.  May I call you?  YES YOU CAN!

And another joke (from a fav sissy boy):

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.  As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Tray-up, Bitch."

PQS sends me poetry:

Catholic Humor:  Thanks to my sister.

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards… The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

TOP TEN BUSHISMS:  Thanks to PQS and via Slate’s Jacob Weisberg (where there are a total of 25)

1. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

3. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

4. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country."—Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5. "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."—declining to answer reporters’ questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

6. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”—Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

7. "I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006

8. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

9. "I’ve heard he’s been called Bush’s poodle. He’s bigger than that."—discussing former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007

10. "And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."—meeting with Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

Obama is a Cool Cat:  so says Christopher Hitchens

"Our new president’s charm is not merely superficial. It is compounded of two qualities that are distinctly rare in the political class: an apparently very deep internal equanimity, and an ability to employ irony at his own expense. Obama, one can tell, would not have been devastated if he had lost the contest for the White House. Nor was he ready to do or say absolutely anything to win it."

Short and Not So Sweet Sex Poem:  By A. R. Ammons (thanks, PQS)

Maybe you’ve caught my Sex Quote blog, Pardon My French, maybe not.   I’m behind on a lot of  web projects, but this is one I’m making a reasonable attempt to keep current, because I happen to like quotes quite a bit.  Blame it on my book/reading/word fetishes.  Quotes speak to me:  They’re a short and sweet way of saying a whole bunch of stuff that touches an intellectual or emotional cord and I find that immensely appealing. 

I even have a collection of quotes (not necessarily sex-related, unless something really strikes my fancy) Here at Zen, such as the following gems:

We listened to them, but it was clear they’d received too much therapy to know the truth.  ~Jeffrey Eugenides 

Now I don’t know about you, but I find that seriously funny because it rings so very true.  Jeffrey Eugenides is one of my favorite authors.  You may have read the Pulitzer Prize winning Middlesex, which begins, "I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974."   And if you haven’t, you’re really missing out.  His writing is as on-target and intuitive as that quote — he doesn’t waste a single word.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good dipped in chocolate.  ~Unknown

That one just appeals to my quirky nature.  Don’t you like it?  And one more:

To be a book-collector is to combine the worst characteristics of a dope fiend with those of a miser. ~Robertson Davies

Which, well, um.  What can I say?  It’s true and I’m guilty.  I need a 12 Step Program big time.  Anyway there’s more of those if you care to check.  And you’re quite welcome to steal them.  But right now let’s get back to Pardon My French — that other blog of mine.

I’m keeping it streamlined with nothing but a collection of quotes related to sex in all it’s facets.  My goal is to keep the selection eclectic and include every possible source: lyrics, poetry, bloggers, authors, books, etc.  I’m  including typical subject matter (gender, sex roles, marriage, desire, homosexuality) as well as what might be considered atypical (FemDom, humiliation, incest, perversion, castration, sex toys).    I even have Phone Sex and Cybersex categories … probably firsts when it comes to sex quote collections. 

So, today,  I thought I’d share some of the stuff from over there with my readers on this side of the fence .  Although you are certainly welcome to visit, beg, borrow and steal from Pardon My French, since isn’t that what collecting quotes is all about when you get right down to it? 

Here’s a smattering:

Shakespeare (Hamlet) on Hot Dirty Sex:

but to live
In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love
Over the nasty sty…

Elise Sutton on Training a Man: 

Begin to train him to be that perfect man that you desire. Expect excellence out of him and don’t allow him to take you for granted. Begin to discipline him, as men need this. Men grow up being disciplined and nurtured by women. Deep inside they still need and desire this.  So learn how to discipline a man and how to properly train him.

Nietzsche the Misogynist: 

Woman was God’s second mistake.

Camille Paglia on Government and Sex: 

My thinking tends to be libertarian. That is, I oppose intrusions of the state into the private realm — as in abortion, sodomy, prostitution, pornography, drug use, or suicide, all of which I would strongly defend as matters of free choice in a representative democracy.

Denise McCanles on Lesbian Introductions: 

Introductions are tricky in a lesbian relationship. It’s a word game. To my friends she’s my lover, to strangers and family members in denial she’s my roommate, to Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door she’s my lesbian sex slave, and to my mother she’s Jewish and that’s all that matters.

Chinese Proverb:

Virginity like bubble: one prick all gone.

Johnny Depp as Ed Wood on Cross-Dressing:

My girlfriend still doesn’t know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

Violet Blue on CyberSex:

Right now there are more ways to have cybersex than ever thought possible, and it’s making modern couples reconfigure their relationships’ Terms of Service . Cybersex makes it easy to cheat; you don’t have to meet anyone, so the risk factor is low on all fronts — except maybe emotionally. Cybersex is also a more creative form of masturbation, so in many ways it’s not too terribly different than enjoying porn or fantasy.

Pick Up Line:

Do you know how to use a whip?

Faustus via Eros Blog on What Makes Us Hot:

Almost everyone has at least one something, call it an “X,” that can provoke intense pleasure when somehow experienced. The “X” is whatever it is that can sound the deepest and most resonant notes in our inner erotic music. An “X” might be a person, or a kind of person, or a practice, or a fetish, or a storyline, or even a concept. Some people — often people with especially vivid imaginations — may have many X’s.

Groucho Marx being Groucho:

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Supervert (PervScan) on The Matter of Size:

No doubt the most fascinating cock stat to emerge from current research is the controversial thesis by Dr. Rushton that penis size and brain power are inversely related. You’ve all heard the phrase “more balls than brain” — apparently it may really be a biological axiom. Guys with big dicks tend to be dumber than guys with little ones — which, in a certain respect, makes perfect sense. Survival of the fittest is the rule of the land, so if you’re deficient in one area you make up for it another. If you can’t wow ‘em with your wand, you amaze ‘em with your mind.

And because I’m shameless, I even quote myself:

For many submissive men the idea of an Amazon-type dominatrix is a serious turn on. It’s all about the Power Dynamics. Consider the Giantess fantasy. Consider the smothering websites where abundantly fleshy women queen, leg-lock and face-fuck a never-ending parade of men licking their lips, vying to be next.

Of course, a corollary can easily be drawn when considering Humiliation Fantasies, Abuse Fantasies and Small Penis Fantasies.  Not to mention Cuckold Fantasies, wherein the players include the Dominant Wife, her Bull lover and the Wimpy Husband.

And even for those guys who prefer their everyday women more in the petite range — the visual of big vs. little emphasizes who’s the boss and who’s the little, sniveling weakling.

***

I guess that’s enough for now.  You get the idea.  And if you have any sex-related quotes, particularly if you are a blogger or published writer, please send them my way — the more the merrier!

Or feel free to leave a comment telling us your favorite Sex Quote.

And Happy National Grammar Day!

xo, Angela

I’m Told I Make Good Coffee
by Jeremy Edwards

"Sorry!" I reddened.

Claudine turned and gave me the warmest of knowing smiles. "Lawrence–are you a little hard?" More than a little, I thought. She was dancing in place now, openly holding her crotch, but she was
grinning happily and showed no signs of moving along.

"I guess so." I returned her smile.

"Oh, you sexy boy. This is the kind of thing that can make a grown girl wet her pants," she laughed, with a suggestion in her voice that though it might be a bit of an inconvenience to wet her pants here and now, the scenario otherwise held an attraction for her. And where she was allowing herself to hover on the brink of wetting her pants, I was now on the verge of pollinating my jeans.

She darted into the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. I began to turn away as she peeled her slacks and panties and backed onto the commode . . . but suddenly she called "It’s okay–you don’t have to leave."

The next thing I heard was an angelic sigh of release. As the hiss and roar of her pissing began, I stumbled in without further hesitation, secure in the knowledge that the bell above the front door of the shop would give me plenty of time to return to the counter to serve any hypothetical forenoon customers. Hypothetical and improbable, I noted cheerfully.

***

From our sweet Zen Friend, Jerotic, who also recently (and I am late with this … you’ll have some catching up to do) sent the following:

SPECIAL EVENT #1

Please join me at my blog next Tuesday, January 27, when I welcome brilliant writer Nikki Magennis, author of the mindblowing eroto-rockin’ adventure The New Rakes! Nikki will be telling us about her passionate relationship with rock ‘n’ roll and indulging us with exquisite excerpts … and it’s rumored there will even be an X-rated paper-doll floor show!

SPECIAL EVENT #2