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Urban Porno Legend

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Ten Lies Pornographers Tell

Porn can be misleading so I untangle it a little. 

By Sam Sugar

1. Porn stars are breaking into the mainstream. You’re not cast as the stripper who dances naked at the bachelor party and then has a coat hook put through the back of her head while she’s fucking the star because you have potential as a character actress. You’ll get offered ‘Third junkie hooker’ because junkie hookers one and two get to keep their clothes on and there’s a line of real actresses out the door fighting to do those parts, and getting a five episode story arc on CSI doesn’t count when they’re using your noteriety for free publicity. The mainstream’s happy to inject a little pornster sex-appeal when they need it, and know most are so desperate for mainstream recognition they’ll take $250 for a twelve hour day as long as they don’t have to screw anyone.

2. Teens. Women are only teenage and legal for two years. Tiffany Teen’s been online since 2003 and if you think that she was eighteen when she started… wanna buy a bridge? You can’t really fault women who exploit the borderline-pedophile market but seriously, when was the last time you saw a real teenager in a pink mini-skirt and pigtails?

3. Sluts. Despite what it says on the box, if you call a woman – even a porn performer – a nasty cum-drinking bitch when your not having sex with her, she’s probably going to knee you in the nuts. The tubby mommies-boys and misogynists who market porn want you to think the way they view women is how women in porn see themselves. Try calling a performer a ‘dirty cock-socket’ at a trade-show if you think it is, in fact, true. Watch your head.

4. Reality Porn. You go for a drive with a few friends. Seeing a cute girl on the street you stop to offer her a ride. She sees four guys in a van, one of whom has a video camera, and gets in. You ask to see her tits and she says no, so you offer her a hundred bucks to fuck you and your buddy. She thinks about it, realizes she’s always wanted to be a prostitute, asks for two hundred, and jumps on your dick. You’re not wearing a rubber and she’s a total stranger but neither of you are worried because, like, what are the odds? You stop the van and persuade her to get out. Then ‘for a joke’ you drive off without paying her and sell the video on the internet. She obviously doesn’t tell anyone because you manage to do this three times a week in the same neighborhood without any difficulty for then next five years. If that seems real too you – man you have to see this bridge…

5. Cock length and bust size. New rule. Any guy claiming to pack over nine inches has to photograph their junk beside an ice-pick like an explorer who’s found a strange footprint; and guys, the number in a bra-size is a chest measurement. 54C? That’s Barbara Bush. Enjoy your masturbation

6. Gangbang numbers. We’ll forget that you’re watching a gangbang and what that means – “There are hundred of guys standing around wanking in this movie and one bored woman… I’m buying it.” – but given testing costs, catering logistics and basic rates of pay you’d be insane to believe the numbers producers put on the boxes of ‘gangbang’ movies. Even if you could get 500 guys in a room, tested, fed and paid half of them wouldn’t be able to get it up, half of those left wouldn’t be able to get it out, and half of the remainder would sneeze all over the thighs of the guy in front of him while waiting in line for seconds. It’s why gangbang movies always have a number of well-known male performers on-hand to do the job. Porn counting goes like this 1, 2, 3, Gang, “INSERT FANTASY NUMBER HERE”

7. Fame. The most famous living pornographers are Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt and Ron Jeremy. Hefner’s an institution (that institution’s a cross between Michael Jackson’s Neverland and a Greyhound station) while Flynt and Jeremy are both thirty-year veterans who’ve been the subject of mainstream movies. Jenna? A distant fourth, and being fourth most famous anything is like being the fourth largest army in the world – India – no one cares. Porn will not make you famous – unless you think that the ninth most famous magician in America’s a pretty famous dude (admit it – you got stuck after David Copperfield, David Blaine, Siegfried and Roy).

8. Alt Porn. Traditionally porn performers get paid a fixed daily rate, don’t get any residual pay and have no real control over the product they’re in. The product itself features skinny white girls from the flyover states who get hired because of how they look and how they fuck. Or is that alt-porn? Janine’s been rocking tatts and attitude for a decade while raising two kids without ever being labeled ‘alt’ anything, while ‘alt porn’ darling Joanna Angel recently said on camera “…does the fact I’ll let any stranger cum on my face but won’t fuck a black guy make me a racist?” Er… yes it does Joanna (See here for why). A tattoo and a bad dye-job is not going to upset ‘the system’ and the ‘alternative’ to traditional porn is independence, control and new ideas not haircuts, piercings and hip records.

9. Art Porn. The defense of bad art is always the same. “Who are you to judge?” Well I’m happy to judge and so are you. Bach was a better composer than Yanni, and Monet was a better painter than Thomas Kincaid. If you disagree that’s not an opinion, it’s proof you’re an imbecile. Art porn has yet to scale the heights of ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ and it all sucks.

10. Porn Stars are Rich. If you grew up in a town where having tread on your spare tire made you wealthy, porn is incredibly lucrative. If you think it’s unfair to get paid $2,000 for a movie named after you which makes $500,000 in its first year of release you might not be ‘porn star’ material. The average studio contract is about $75K a year and if you’re lucky you’ll hold it for five. During that time you’ll eat as carefully, and train as hard, as a professional athlete, you won’t be able to start a family, and you’ll exclude yourself permanently from a range of other career options in return for the take-home pay of a McDonalds night-manager. Porn’s like professional sport, the rich people are the (content) owners. Unlike professional sport there is no minimum wage, hardly any licensing and no players association. Want to be a rich adult performer? Build a website.


I really got a kick out of the above piece from Sam Sugar’s blog, and thought I’d share it with you.  You should be familiar with Sam from Sugasm, where the best erotic writing on the web can regularly be found.  Then, of course, there’s Babeonaut.