Have you figured out that I like lists? Makes things so much more presentable and neat don’t you think? I have lists for everything (books to buy, grocery list, maintenance list, movies to see, daily itinerary, etc.) as any self-respecting Domestic Goddess would.

Now, in fantasy, a little house-boy or house-sissy can be trained to attend to my myriad lists, making sure everything is done to my liking. Alas, in the real world, men are generally not as easy to train.

And I’m rather particular, bordering on anal-retentive, when it comes to having things done certain ways. (i.e. my towels have to be aligned perfectly in the cupboard, scissors must be available in every room [because I detest opening things], CDs are arranged categorically and alphabetically…you get the picture).

Anyway here’s a little list of helpful hints from your very own Domestic Goddess. Later, I might make another. Aren’t you the lucky one?

• Frozen vegetables can be microwaved right in the box or bag. Just lower the cooking time by a few minutes.
• Lipstick makes an excellent gold polisher.
• An aspirin dissolved in water will extend the freshness of cut plants.
• Long fingernails? If you wash dishes by hand, you are cleaning those nails too.
• Hydrogen Peroxide will lift red wine right out of the carpet.
• Vaseline will restore the shine to patent leather heels.
• Keep fingernail polish in the refrigerator to slow the thickening process.
• Blending orange juice before drinking creates a tasty, creamy alternative.
• LOW-CAL MASHED POTATOES: Mix instant mashed potatoes into boiling chicken broth.
• Apply bottom eyeliner from the center and out to make eyes look bigger.
• Be good to your phonesex girl. She can do all kinds of things, give you free minutes and discounted calls….if you give her a reason to be nice.

You tell me: What, jeet swesus, does that mean?

Everytime I see a PSO advertising all fantasies welcome or taboo specialist or dirty, nasty roleplay, then following it with the qualifier, nothing illegal, I wonder to myself, just what-in-the-fuck does she mean by that???

Since when was anything somebody might want to talk about illegal? At least not yet. And we better hope it never comes to that, because it is everyone’s freedoms that will be fucked with…not just the ones that sexual snobgoblins hypocritically deem morally beyond the pale (their pale, of course–because that’s all that matters).

Does anybody else see the irony in a girl presenting pictures of herself in pigtails and pleated skirts–sometimes even holding a teddy bear–and refusing to do age-play fantasies because they are “sick and twisted and illegal?” And does anybody even get the difference between fantasy and reality?

The PSO industry is a small part of a small adult demographic which exists in a big wide world with many historical examples of small-minded moralists really causing harm, even death in some cases. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be crying crucify him or burn the witch or here’s the jew or hang the black bastard in another time and place, if you think it’s ok to judge and legislate fantasy. Cuz I just won’t believe it.

For each correct answer you get five cents off per minute (i.e. 5 right anwers = 25 cents off per min. 10 right answers = 50 cents per minute). It’s my quiz, so I make the rules, but I’ve made this easy for you. Most of the answers can be easily found around this site. You can email me with your answers (eclecticpearl@yahoo.com).

1. What is the number one question men ask PSOs?
2. What do PSO’s usually call time-wasting men that have no intention of doing a call?
3. What is the name of my phone sex site? (it’s not zen fetish).
4. Isabella _____ (fill in the blank), specializes in panty boys and erotic hypnosis.
5. Mistress V’s favorite color is: a-pink b-red c-purple or d-black.
6. What does BDSM stand for?
7. Who is the dirtiest girl in the world?
8. True or False: Girl 73 is a Spike Lee movie about phone sex.
9. What is the name/url of the website at which I feature independant PSOs?
10. True or False: The Fantasy Factory is a book about phone sex.
11. What is the name/url of Princess Crissy’s website?
12. Which of the following can be a fetish? a-feathers b-balloons c-rubber d-diapers
13. True or False: Water Sports describes having sex in the ocean.
14. What is the name/url of my erotic story blog?
15. Who is the PSO at Stocking Affair?
16. Kali Siren lives where? a-Manhattan b-Seattle c-Tampa Bay d-Washington D.C.
17. What is the name/url of Doxy Wringer’s website?
18. Who would be a hot tease? a-CockSucker Sarah b-Bratty Princess c-Bitch from Hell d-Mommy Dearest
19. True or False: All phone sex callers are perverts.
20. How is my cat, Fredrick, different from other cats?

So…send those answer in and claim your “prize” by the end of the week.

xo

I have a few callers who would love to be in Waldo’s shoes.  You can find this cartoon and many others at jtrue.com.  You can even order them on a magnet or mug.

You remember Nanette, don’t ya?

Well, once upon a time in the not so distant past, Nanette took up shoplifting. Of course, being Nanette is like starring in your own personal Fox sitcom. And being a friend of Nanette, I have a front row seat.

It all started when Nanette decided that life had given her a raw deal and–utilizing her well-honed pretzel logic–came to the conclusion that life owed her. And one way she could collect on this debt would be to take things that were not hers. Lots of things. So her brief life of crime began.

She would show up at my place with her purse full of booty from her latest hit–shampoo, perfume, toothbrushes, incense, lipstick, hand lotion, candles, fingernail polish–and attempt to sell me on the cheap. Despite the fact that I was a struggling student and the bargain prices were very tempting, I always refused her offers. I just couldn’t rationalize reinforcing the thievery that I knew would eventually get her into trouble.

In the beginning, while she varied her targets (grocery stores, Targets, KMarts) Nanette pretty much kept to the same time (5-7 p.m.-ish) and MO (large purse, quick hand, innocent demeanor). These minimal precautions kept her safe…for a while.

Weltering in the luxury provided by her misbegotten gains and heady with the rush of “getting away with it,” Nanette turned a deaf ear to my gentle urgings to abandon her life of crime, that something wicked this way cometh. I was Cassandra speaking some nonsense about looking a gift horse in the mouth, and Nanette wasn’t buying it.

In fact, Nanette wasn’t buying anything. Bolstered by her successful and profitable run as a petty thief, she’d graduated from purse to diaper bag to accommodate the ever-expanding boodle she was now lugging home on a nightly basis. Yup! Definitely something wicked this way cometh.

Maybe she would have gotten away with her naughtiness despite the diaper bag—at least for a little while longer—if she hadn’t gotten comfortable with one particular establishment and started plundering it on a more than occasional basis. But she did.

So one Friday night, after about of month of zipping up and down the aisles of this store like the Eveready Bunny-gone-bad and stuffing everything that would fit into her diaper bag, Nanette had been at it again and was about to make her get away. Not a difficult thing; she’d done it dozens of times by then. Switching into an “I’m not guilty” saunter, she ambled toward the door, smiling at the cashiers as she passed them. They smiled back. But what Nanette didn’t notice was that they were looking over her head rather than at her when they smiled.

Just as the automatic door was opening in front of her, Nanette felt a large hand gripping her arm and heard the voice of doom from behind: “Miss, could you please show me what you have in your diaper bag before you leave our store?” Nanette turned and looked up into the not-so-happy visage of the Store Manager.

What did she do?

What else? She started peeing her pants. Yes she did, ladies and gentlemen! Nanette started peeing her pants right there in the store. It was seeping out from under her cut-offs (pinched Levis), running down her tan thighs (purloined Hawaiian Tropic) and dripping onto her sandaled feet (filched Tommy Hilfiger) to puddle on the floor (nailed down) all around her as the manager and nearby cashiers looked on.

Which (and this could only happen in Nanette’s world) turned out to be a good thing.

Because–probably due to her obvious mortification and the fact that she was simultaneously sobbing uncontrollably–Nanette got a break from that manager. He did not call the police and report her as a shoplifter. What he did do is ban her from his store for life.

Lucky girl, dontcha think?

And believe it or not, she is a good girl. I swear!

And she doesn’t have a police record. Well, at least not yet. I’ll keep you posted.