As you should know by now, it isn’t often that I write about my callers. I am very serious about client confidentiality and keeping my callers safe…even though they sometimes prefer I didn’t (that would be in the instance of Consensual Sexual Blackmail–to be addressed in a later entry). But then there is David Webb.

David Webb is, of course, an alias. Mr. Webb may be a pervert, but he certainly is no dummy. Like any healthy American male (and female, dontcha know?), Mr. Webb likes to masturbate. In fact he likes to masturbate a lot.

But David does it a little differently. It’s sorta like the in-famous jerking to the famous…with a twist. The twist being that Mr. Web specifically tugs his tube to a certain faction of the glitterati which includes cheerleaders, news and anchor women, a smidgen of starlets, and a sprinkle of porn stars. And even a few women from his real life. What type of fantasies fuel his jerk-off jubilees? Here’s one with Ricki Lake starring as David’s Sex Ed Teacher.

What put the tick in this man’s ticktock? Frankly, I’m still trying to figure him out. Soft-spoken and polite, David is incredibly sweet natured. But he is stroking from the minute I pick up the phone. We could be talking about the weather or sports — it doesn’t matter to him. I am pretty sure it turns him on that me or some other PSO — my impression is that he talks to quite a few — “catches” him “doing it.” He wants someone to know; after all it isn’t like he is going to get any feedback from the current object of his, *ahem* affection.

I am not being the least bit transpontine in saying that Mr. Webb is somewhat of an uber pervert in that, although there is a demographic of men who fantasize about famous women, he has to be the only guy who regularly spanks his monkey to the morning news. He actually has a “line-up” he watches before going to the office. In fact, you can track exactly how, when and why he “did it” at Kitten Hate, a site I suggested he join which tracks members’ orgasms, where he has is very own page. In his first three days as a member, he’d chalked up fifteen solo orgasms, tripping the light fantastic with Portia de Rossi, Robin Meade and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Cheerleaders Squad, among others. Lots of others.

Crediting Gillian Anderson as his muse (he took to heart her response to an interviewer’s rather innocuous question: “Y’know, whatever gets your rocks off, as far as I’m concerned. It doesn’t bother me. If I felt it was actually harming anybody, I might say something about it. But from what I understand, it’s not. It’s just people having fun and getting off. Besides, I have no control over it anyway.”), our Spew Master even started a Yahoo group, Celebrity Masturbation, which, while no longer active, has spawned a plethora of yikes!-minded groups, blogs, message boards and forums.

Although my meter is fantasy, Mr. Web obviously marches to the beat (beat it, beat it, beat it) of a different drum. He really doesn’t let me weave one of my fantastically dirty chimeras when we talk, opting instead to tell me what’s UP with him, if ya know what I mean. It is a most interesting conversation and I must say –due to his always charming and pleasant demeanor– one I look forward to.

I may be interviewing David Web soon. I am fond of him and he greatly intrigues me.

News at Eleven. (wink)

xo, Angela

This was sent to me a long time ago by a caller.  Obviously, I thought it was a keeper.  Wouldn’t you?  The artist is Ken Martin.  And yes, he has a website.

xo, Angela

The History of One Tough Mother Fucker
Charles Buchowski

he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and
terrorized
a white cross-eyed tailless cat
I took him in and fed him and he stayed
grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway
and ran him over
I took what was left to a vet who said, ‘not much
chance…give him these pills…his backbone
is crushed, but was crushed before and somehow
mended, if he lives he’ll never walk, look at
these x-rays, he’s been shot, look here, the pellets
are still there…also, he once had a tail, somebody
cut it off…’

I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the
hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom
floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn’t eat, he
wouldn’t touch the water, I dipped my finger into it
and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn’t go any-
where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to
him and gently touched him and he looked back at
me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went
by he made his first move
dragging himself forward by his front legs
(the rear ones wouldn’t work)
he made it to the litter box
crawled over and in,
it was like the trumpet of possible victory
blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I
related to that cat-I’d had it bad, not that
bad but bad enough

one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and
just looked at me.

‘You can make it, ‘ I said to him.

he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally
he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the
rear legs just didn’t want to do it and he fell again, rested,
then got up.

you know the rest: now he’s better than ever, cross-eyed
almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in
his eyes never left…

and now sometimes I’m interviewed, they want to hear about
life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed,
shot, run over, de-tailed cat and I say, ‘look, look
at this! ‘

but they don’t understand, they say something like, ‘you
say you’ve been influenced by Celine? ‘

‘No, ‘ I hold the cat up, ‘by what happens, by
things like this, by this, by this! ‘

I shake the cat, hold him up in
the smoky and drunken light, he’s relaxed he knows…

it’s then that the interviews end
although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures
later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo-
graphed together.

he too knows it’s bullshit but that somehow it all helps.

***

Courtesy of Pervert Savant, who still hasn’t bought a computer (but still calls). He, like me, is a Buchowski fan. In fact, with a little fluffing and exposure to the finer things in life, Pervert Savant is turning out okay. I just wish he’d break down (MEN!) and buy the damn PC.

xo, Angela

i watch your mouth
pure-boy rubicund
sweet-boy sugared
not kissed enough, not nearly enough
to my way of thinking
not nearly fucking enough

your lips
let me eat them
gnaw on them
spit on them
then lick it back off
then swallow it
our spit, our mouth-cum

suck on them
swallow them
bite them
fuck them with my cunt-mouth
rubicund too, rabid with need

then kiss them
kiss you
kiss me

with my real mouth
my girl mouth
my carnivore-mouth
my bitch-cannibal mouth
my slut-succubus mouth

kiss me

(a poem I wrote, hope you like it)

xo, Angela

…with a little help from my friends. And they are simply marvelous.

Lawyer Guy: Well, he’s a caller, a buddy, a lawyer (of course)…and he sent me this very funny joke:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well, ” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Gracie Passette & Entourage: Yeah, I had a birthday (8/15). And no wish list! Doesn’t every red-blooded PSO have a wish list? Not this one. I let this quietly slip by because I really didn’t want a big fuss, but Gracie begged, so I let her quietly announce it…thanks, Kittens! I actually spent the day at the hospital with my mother … she needed me more than my birthday cake did. And I received some very nice unexpected gifts and tips … thanks guys (you know who you are!)

Jeremy Edwards: You must remember Jeremy, AKA Jerotic? The fab writer who is oh so very naughty in all the right ways? I’ve written about him and featured his stories on more than one occasion….because, well, I like him a lot. He is a kind and generous friend to Zen Fetish, and I simply love having him stop by: To tell us the latest news, or share a randy little story, or even just for tea and crumpets. Not that I know what a crumpet is. But for Jeremy I would certainly comb the town and search every bakery until I found a crumpet or two or three.

As I’ve previously noted, Jeremy certainly gets around. And we all know the man has magic in each and every one of his dirty little fingertips. Oh, how I love those fingertips! It seems that Jeremy is making new friends over at a divinely inspired blog, Lust Bites (more about this later), where in a piece titled, Spouse-Sharing, Knicker-wetting, Flying Fucks, and Other Scenes of Amorous Tenderness, he asks and answers with elegant locution what turns out to be a not-so-rhetorical question of himself: Am I a “romantic?” Which, in turn, answers the question for all of us, Can kink and romance inhabit the same bed?

What do you think? Is he? Can they? If you’ve followed his work (and I have), you already know the answer. But it sure is fun having Jeremy spell it out with that same whimsical, sexy sweetness that permeates and percolates his erotic fiction. Hubba Hubba!

Sweat Shop Sissy: SSS is another Zen Fetish buddy, whose sweeter than sweet blog actually proves Jeremy’s contention that Kink and Romance can most definitely inhabit the same bed…and even thrive. Because Mr. Sissy Man is living it: An everyday working Joe who loves his wife and family deeply and just happen to wear panties…and it turns the Missus on! Ever so kind, he recently sent me this very funny link (be my guest, do click!) which proves that even men in lingerie LOVE BLOW JOBS!

Libby the Libertine: Speaking of Blow Jobs, Libby (of SexPros), who is a fellow columnist (I’m officially on hiatus, but not for long) at Sex Kitten, recently sucked the most famous cock in the world and possibly of all times? Surely I don’t need to tell you who this cock belonged to? Well…none other than Ron Jeremy, himself! Want all the juicy, naughty details? READ ALL ABOUT IT! I really love what Gracie had to say about this particular (mighty giddy…can you blame her?) confessional: Gawd, I luv you, Libby. Who else is gonna call me at 2 a.m. and say, “Guess whose dick I had in my mouth?” ROFL

Mistress V: Just a quick note here (I tend to go on when it comes to this lady. Aren’t you proud of the restraint I’m showing today?) Have you seen her Fetish Heat Video in which she publicly humiliates a sissy? Well, then, go there now. She is so damn hot! No “pretender to the throne,” this Fetish Mistress.

Lust Bites: I’m smitten. Accordingly, I’ve added this awesome blog to my links under Ethical Smut. A lot is happening over at Lust Bites (The blog on everyone’s lips.) It’s an upbeat hub of activity with a a gaggle (that’s a horde with attitude) of excellent regular writers discussing and opining on all things smut-O-licious…and tossing in a healthy dose of Brain Porn (that means you have to read with one hand and, well…do whatever with the other) for good measure. Plus Guest Bloggers! What a deal! And every inch of it is smart writing. Oh, and did I mention all the Freebies and Give-Aways?

Like I said…I get by with a little help from my friends.xo, Angela