So I get this email from a previous love interest, Daniel:

I would like to blindfold you, and then rub a very ripe strawberry lightly under your nose and across your lips. I would then drag it down the side of your neck and to circle it lightly across your stiff nipples before brushing it across your stomach, tenderly brushing across your clit as I move it down the inside of one thigh, across your calf then back up the inside of your thigh.

I would then hold the bruised and ripe berry and squeeze it slightly over one of your very erect nipples…the sensation of the juice dripping causing you to you to moan with the unexpected sensation of pleasure. I would then hold the berry over you and mash it between my fingers and let it drip into your full cunt lips as I spread them slightly apart and begin to lightly lick your quickly swelling clit.

You would grab a fist full of bed sheet in both hands as you arched your back and pressed your clit hard against my mouth. I would reach underneath you with both hands and grip your ass firmly as I lift you against my mouth and begin to lick faster, your body beginning to tense as you concentrate completely on the powerful orgasm that is building and gaining quickly in intensity.

When I sensed you were on the very edge, I would press your throbbing clit between my lips–allowing me to suckle it while at the same time increasing the speed and intensity of my tongue racing up and down, up and down, up and down.

Until suddenly you would lose control—grabbing the back of my head, moaning loudly, fucking my mouth with your whole body. My lips would maintain a firm grip on you as you arched your back and lifted your ass off the bed, your orgasm consuming you. I would continue until you could no longer stand it, and then take what’s left of the bruised and mangled strawberry and let you eat it from my fingers.

Or maybe you could remove your blindfold and rub the crushed strawberry all over my painfully erect cock and then take me passionately into your warm hungry mouth with the intention of releasing my pent-up desire?

Now, mind you, I know Daniel well. He is a romantic kinkmeister with a bark that is much more ferocious than his bite. And you can bet he was three sheets to the wind (forgive him…he’s Irish) when he wrote this.

In reality, although we were in serious, glorious heat for each other for a brief period of time, I never did consummate those desire with him, due to a variety of reasons. In fact when I send him the occasional email I usually sign off: from the hottest piece of ass you never had.

So how do you think I answered that email:

Dearest Daniel:

I’m afraid I would not reciprocate and perform fellatio on what I am sure must be a gorgeous appendage.

Because, as I recall, you really don’t like blow jobs very much.

Rather, I would fuck you up the ass with my big, fat strap-on, while making you repeat–over and over again–”I’m your Strawberry Bitch. Fuck my strawberry ass hard with your big girl-dick.”

Sincerely, Angela

Oh me, oh my. What was I thinking?

Where’s the division between fantasy and reality for which I so valiantly crusade?

Needless to say, Daniel was shocked and called me within the half hour. He was impressed that I even remembered his dislike for blow jobs, particularly since we’d never been physically intimate. He also told me that he thought my “work” just might be bleeding into my everyday life.

He also thought it was very funny.

I promised him I would take a vacation soon. I think I need one, don’t you?

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 16th, 2006 at 10:13 am and is filed under Funny Side Up, Rhetorically Yours. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.